@Vodkantots

“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”

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@AbbieEvansXO

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

@timmartinwhy

WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@IRLPepperMD

*parents come into my room*
“We need to talk to you… We think you’re an owl.”
*turns neck all the way around to face them*
“Who- I MEAN WHY”

@meganamram

WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I’M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.