“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.