Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“How much for this remote controlled alien?”
“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[vaccine research meeting]
Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast
Chemist: We are working on it
Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?
First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.