waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
i prefer mine room temperature.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
ugh not again