@HuttonGray

“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”

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@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

@emily_tweets

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

@LeonEarlgrey

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

@DaHess1

When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.

That.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

@squirrel74wkgn

[vaccine research meeting]

Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast

Chemist: We are working on it

Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?

First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*

@Darlainky

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

@weinerdog4life

Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.

@Schmoodles

Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.