How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.