How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her


Boss: I’ll tell you what I want

Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want

*office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine


The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia


Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.


Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?


My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.


A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?