I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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Boss: I’ll tell you what I want
Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want
*office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
I’ve never been more proud.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?