How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.