@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

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@valenty__

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

@charlieluffagus

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@Book_Krazy

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.