@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

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@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@rgay

I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

@literalporn

WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN’T USE A DAMN ONE

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@CanadianCyn

This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.

@mommeh_dearest

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

@AndyJokedAgain

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

@CapriCornyCait

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

@theshamingofjay

Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus