How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
You Might Also Like
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.