*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN’T USE A DAMN ONE
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers
Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus