How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

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Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.


I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.


So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.



lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner


My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect


Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me


I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.


I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.