@MichaelTrying

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

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@_b1p0larbear

Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.

@RexHuppke

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

@NikiWithIssues

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@Jermaine_Accram

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@UncleDuke1969

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.