how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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Is βoppressiveβ too harsh or do I just stick with βhostile work environmentβ?
I was told βyouβre not my Dad anymoreβ and Iβm updating my resume.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isnβt haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My husband took the kids to brunch so Iβm gonna get wild and drink my coffee while itβs still hot.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Android Oreo announced today; youβll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: TouchΓ©