@Daveastated

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

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@TragicAllyHere

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@Daisyldoo

My husband is outside watching a YouTube video on how to fix the lawn mower. I know this because the audio is playing on the Bluetooth speaker inside.

@MommaUnfiltered

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

@codyspencer0

The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@eff_yeah_steph

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up