How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.