@adorableinNE

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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@bornmiserable

Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.

@bobvulfov

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@ArfMeasures

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@ruinedpicnic

parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around