How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️