@dmc1138

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

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@atanya1111

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@zachreinert03

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.