“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Omg 🤣
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN