[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Welcome to the stomach
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.