I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?