I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Alcohol is best served.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*