How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
You Might Also Like
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
an airline just for babies.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.