How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”