how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
You Might Also Like
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler