how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.


Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.


[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.


Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.


Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”


*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal


Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.


My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.


I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.


Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?