Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*Eats one piece
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence
9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?