How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

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The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.


“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon


I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.


And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.


cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape


INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.


When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.


Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.