@Tharin_P

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

@justmiche74

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@heyitsJudeD

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

@Eatingyourwords

cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

@BunAndLeggings

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.