Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.
And I kinda moaned when it slid in.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.