@Tharin_P

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

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@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@JayThawne

When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes

@_elvishpresley_

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@JohnLyonTweets

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@AnchorsAviators

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.