How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
You Might Also Like
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Ummm
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.