@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

You Might Also Like

@TuffyNyC

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

@truegritrumble

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@ericsshadow

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”