“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Probably my best painting.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
this is the best interaction on twitter
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell