My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
i love meeting boys on tinder