@citizenkawala

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

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@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

@chicnlil1

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@LeahKnauer

I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.

@Brocklesnitch

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

@Shade510

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.