Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I just heard a noise