How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
What a website
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times