“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”