How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!


ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.



If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.


Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect


9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?


You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.