How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back