*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.