@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

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@david8hughes

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@TheToddWilliams

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

@GingaSnapppa

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

@80want

inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes

@aSapCoolDad

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.