How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”