haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.
So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs