[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.