@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

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@spinubzilla

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@OMGSoOverIt

I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.

So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.

@Heatinblack

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

@Marilyn_Brando

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs