How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok