How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.