How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.