How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”