How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
sliding into dms like
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.