How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Mhm.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.