How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
it is time once again
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
good work, everybody
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.