How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
#Caturday
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute