@6to12elbow

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

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@melibuff

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

@LambyMcSheeps

if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@Savage_Scavange

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@NervousJr

Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.

Explain morning people.

@TheAlexNevil

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER