How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road