@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

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@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

@causticbob

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

@LindaInDisguise

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

@BedheadBunny

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@dril

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?