[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty