[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
😆this is so true
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?