My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”
I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.
My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.
ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.
ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?
A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad