@Kim_pulsive

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

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@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.

@erichwithach

My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.

@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad