How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

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Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]


Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]


Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?


I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.


PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense


Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.


My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.


waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared


Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?