How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Happy thanksgiving!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.