@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

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@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@SternoShots

Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@Coolisiana

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.

@SondraDeeMe

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@E_coli___

Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?