My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music