@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

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@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@MarfSalvador

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

@bobinhiding

Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.

@Turnip2020

An eggplant just recognized me from Twitter & asked for my autograph. I gave him one, but then suddenly his father showed up, grabbed him by the stem, and told him to NEVER associate with vegetables like me.

Bigotry is still alive and well. I will do my best to root it out.

@ThisOneSayz

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@AtticusFinch79

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

@nickmullen

i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad