How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I bet
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now