Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”