Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
How thin do you have to be to go skinny dipping?
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*
[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it