@TommyKarate

How thin do you have to be to go skinny dipping?

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@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@melibuff

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

@FlyoverJoel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@CheryeDavis

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

@junejuly12

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

@abbycohenwl

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it