how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

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I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane


Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.


*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.


Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.


son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!


My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.


Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie