how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?