@fuzzlime

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

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@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@Darlainky

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

@Jerrypleasure

*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.

@Jake_Vig

Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.

@MarfSalvador

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

@OctopusCaveman

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie