How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs


The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.


SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??


*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*


*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*


Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.


(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?


If I was Penguin’s attorney I’d request bail by saying “He’s no flight risk!” Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman.
I’d leave him hangin


Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off