How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.