How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

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She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?


February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.


Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.


Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie


JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


[enter password]


[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right


Login Successful


Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.