@abbycohenwl

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

You Might Also Like

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?

@Lavadog93

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@hanizzle

Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie

@SkinnerSteven

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@Rollmaninoz

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.