How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history