How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
#Caturday
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.