Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”
Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent