How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

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It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.


If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.


interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there


“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”


IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*


[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.


Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent