How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Name another movie that mislead you?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good