How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning